WHAT IF MICROSOFT'S HOME
OFFICE WAS HEADQUARTERED IN MINNESOTA?
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft StormWindows.
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get a walleye.
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was
covered in frost.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Yah,
sure" or "Thanks very much, not right now, but maybe later."
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be
a car with a cold battery cranking over and over and over and over.
6. The "Recycle Bin" in StormWindows '95 would be
an ice fishing house.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd
hear "Kirrrrrby Puckett!!!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up," the StormWindows '95
theme song would be the Gedney Pickles jingle.
9. PowerPoint would be named "Don't Point" because
"power" is just too aggressive and pointing isn't polite, anyway, don't
you know.
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Visual Lutheran"
and "Visual Evangelical Lutheran."
11. StormWindows 95's logo would incorporate a hotdish.
12. Microsoft Word would be Microsoft Apology.
13. Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have 3M servers.
14. New Shutdown WAV: "Do you have to leave so soon?
Have another cup of coffee, dear."
15. Instead of VPs, Microsoft big shots would be called
"Winter Carnival Royalty".
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from used appliances
bought at garage sales for 50 cents apiece.
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Microsoft Skyway.
18. Five words: Norwegian Bachelor Farmer Screen Saver.
19. Well, the first thing you know, Bill is known as "that
nice man up the block who sponsors the Little League team."
20. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory
prize-winning jam and pickle recipes from the State Fair.
21. "Flight Simulator" replaced by "Driving Your Pickup
Out on the Lake Ice in Late March" simulator.
22. Car block heaters would feature plug'n'play interfaces.
23. Screen saver option: A guy shoveling his driveway and
then a snowplow coming through and pushing a mound across the driveway
bottom.
24. Instructions for use would include "Please press the
control key when you have a minute, okay?"